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Take a minute out and enjoy the following from Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter. She collected many courtroom errors in two books - ´Humor in the Court´ and ´More Humor in the Court´, here are some of them:
(Counsel to witness) Gary, all your responses must be oral, okay?
Q. What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair. |
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Q. Are you married?
A. No, I´m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn´t know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Chernay?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Chernay, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times. |
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Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
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Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentative and he couldn´t pronounce his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog´s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
(Opposing counsel): Objection! That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q. (showing the witness a picture.) That´s you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on 13th February 1979?
Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that son of a bitch - and she did!
Q. Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn´t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Here´s a few more, taken from a book called "Disorder in the Court" a record of things that people actually said in court, word for word, as taken down and published by court reporters, and collected in the book by Richard Lederer.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: 15th July.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you´ve forgotten?
Q. What is your brother-in-law´s name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What´s his first name?
A. I can´t remember.
Q. He´s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can´t remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I´m too excited (rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin) Nathan, for God´s sake, tell them your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can´t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn´t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn´t know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Finally, here´s some sites that may be of interest:
Legal Humour
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Law Jokes on Scottish Law Online
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Sites with Pages on Legal Humour
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Legal Humour Games
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